Odd Monologue to follow

Odd monologue time with apologies in advance.

My mind is a dark and scary place. I've said this many times. Most people shrug it off. They know I wouldn't kick a stray dog or ignore a friend in need. And so they assume I'm joking.

What I mean is that for as long as I can remember, I have been drawn to look at the elephants in the room. Somewhere along the line I noticed loose threads in the modern accepted ideology. And I began to pick at them. About 19 years ago roughly, I began discovering really uncomfortable facts that undermine the modern illusion.

And I couldn't look away.

None of this is tinfoil hat stuff, although I inevitably waded through that as well. If you start looking at the fringes of acceptability you will have to dig through David Icke and Infowars, Ayn Rand and Deepak Chopra, Young Earth creationist propaganda and anti-vaxx dogma. And I've read most of that rubbish, even been convinced by it temporarily on occasion. But that isn't what I'm talking about. Most of the truly disturbing and terrifying stuff that I read now comes from anthropology text books and history professors, geology reports and political science papers. What terrifies me is publicly available and almost never discussed in public.

And I get it. I understand the desire to look away. I understand why the religious right so quickly leans on the 'end of days' argument as they refuse to look. It's the same effect generated by subjecting a test subject to random shocks over which they have  no control. Eventually they stop reacting. I get it.

And so I keep quiet about the thoughts I think.  and I know right now some of you were calling bullshit. "Ryan, you don't keep quiet about anything!"

But I do.

I limit what I talk about, as much as possible, to things that people are comfortable discussing. To topics of conversation where lines are clearly drawn, and people don't get uncomfortable thinking outside preordained borders. That sounds a little pretentious,  a little condescending as I write it down. Okay, a lot. It's not meant to. I am not saying that people ought to think as I do, because it gives me no peace. I understand why people avoid the subjects upon which I choose to think, and if I could choose to do so I think I would. But I can't. I can't look away.

I understand why few people choose to occupy this same space with me, and I don't begrudge anyone that decision. But I am lonely. This shit is a heavy load to carry. And yes, obviously I chose this. It didn't really feel like a choice. It felt like those points in an old video game where you are asked if you're up for the challenge and the choices are: 'yes', 'of course', and 'definitely'.

I'm not 100% certain why I'm bothering to write or post this. I hope I'm not subconsciously fishing for sympathy, although one can never be sure. I've convinced myself thus far through the writing of this little rant that I'm just trying to get it off my chest. Maybe that's true and maybe it's not. But I guess my chest is empty now, so I guess I'll stop.